That Fine Line...

I found out yesterday that my ex is now with the girl I have been suspicious of for the past 6 months. 6 months includes the times we talked about and worked at getting back together. The times I looked into flights to Australia to see him. The times I told my friends that he was my Edward. And that whole time I heard her name and thought that there was something there, but I was assured there wasn't. You know, the whole 'she's just a friend,' 'I don't see her like that' speech. And yet here we are, ex and 'girl-I-was-suspicious-of' an item. Sure I love when I am right. Love saying 'told you so.' Love knowing that I know someone better than they know themselves. But I can't help but feel uneasy about the whole thing.

 

Why do I care? I chose not to be with him anymore so why does it matter he has moved on? Isn't that what we ultimately want for the people we care about? We want them to be happy, don't we?

I think it's that fine line between not wanting to be with someone, but not wanting them to be with anyone else. We want to believe that they are still miserable over us. Still pining for someone they can't have. And maybe even stronger is the need to believe they will never find anyone better than us. 

So maybe that's why I care. I don't want him to be with someone else. I want to believe he is still in love with me. I want to believe that I am sooo amazing that no other girl can compare to me. I want to believe that he'll never love someone more than he loved me. I guess now I feel replaceable. All that love he said he had for me so quickly disappeared. I suppose I don't need to feel loved by him anymore, but I don't want to feel replaceable.

There is always a fine line, isn't there?